Spy Museum.

I am such a museum geek. But I want to go here really bad.

http://www.spymuseum.org/

so i just realized that no one reads this. and i rarely even write in it.

nice.

Oppression.

I can't believe it. I just want to scream. Why is it that in this mecca of Christian Pentecostalism that I feel the most un-welcomed and oppressed? Can't people see that not allowing full participation in the body of Christ because of gender, race, or age is completely sinful? We are so quick to call racism a sin but why is sexism not?! STOP PRETENDING JESUS DIDN'T INCLUDE WOMEN! STOP PRETENDING PAUL IS GOD! STOP PRETENDING I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY!

I want out. But the thing is I'm stuck. I have one more God-awful year in this place. I can't believe how much I used to love this place. Now all I see are the strange inconsistencies and frightening lies that are being taught here. So that I why I'm coming up with my top 6 things that make me want out of Lee:

6. How hard is it to include "her" or "she" when you're talking about pastors?
5. Dear God, can't we get some other people other than white old men to speak in chapel?!
4. Most of the good professors are now gone.
3. Let's face it, I can't wait to get out of the south... y'all.
2. I need an ocean.
1. I'm tired of being patronized and having my head patted because they know that they don't have to ordain me.

lead me to the rock that is higher than I

I was reading "Searching For God Knows What" last night (great read, I highly recommend it) and I read a quote that Donald Miller found in a poem by Maya Angelou. It slapped me right across the face. I'll be honest, I've never been much of a Maya Angelou fan, but I see the wisdom that comes from this one line, this one section of all of her work, and I know that she's a blessed woman:

"But today, the Rock cries out to us,
clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny!"

First of all, I get this visual when I read this. I see me. I see me walking in a forest. I am just aimlessly walking, kind of feeling my way around, making decisions about where to go based on the limited vision that I have. I'm lost. I have a general idea of where home is... it's just so far away. I know that I can't find my way out unless I stand on something to help me out. I try these smaller rocks, and they help me a little bit. Some show me just a little bit of what I need to see. Some would have me go in the opposite direction that I know leads to home. Some don't help me at all, but are really slippery and I go crashing to the ground, bloody and bruised. I am completely helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

Then, I see this giant rock. It's calling to me. I can almost hear the still, small voice in the wind. "Julie," it whispers and shouts at the same time, "come, you may stand on my back and face your distant destiny." Scared, but knowing I need to know which way to go, I begin my ascent to the peak. The peak where I will know where home is, where my destiny is to be fulfilled. It's going to take a long time to get there. It may be a lifetime of slips (never complete falls, though), level areas, false hopes of finally reaching the top, and the encouragement of the breeze that shows up just when I need it.

This is life. Life can only be lived when we are on the Rock. Only then will we really see the true potential we were created for. Only then will we be content, only then will we be fulfilled.

I'm sorry, some of you have been my rocks that I've stood on. Some of you may have unintentionally misdirected me. I'm sorry if I was your rock too.

"I'm a Doubting Thomas, I'll take your promise,
though I know nothing's safe.
Oh me of little faith."

Doubting Thomas- Nickel Creek

Nothing's Safe.

ignorance.

I think it's so amazing how we can't even begin to understand what's going on in our lives. So, I've kind of stopped trying. I've stopped trying to understand things, trying to make them happen. Life is so mysterious. It's full of random walls and sharp turns everywhere. I think that it's so hard to not become a cynic after a few years of the real world. (Not saying college is the real world, it's just the realest I've gotten)

I have come to realize that I know nothing about love. I only have these sick, little girl fantasies that involve being swept off of my feet. Will that happen? I'm not sure. Part of me wants to hold on to that, part of me wants to just not care about it at all. But, how do you do that when it surrounds you everyday? My bestfriend/roommate is getting married to a man who is head over heels in love with her. She has the real life fairytale story going on. I have only short-lived nightmares.

Who would have thought that Chris and I would have ever gotten where we were and then taken such a sick fall to the bottom. It seriously took seconds. Now, I have a friend who doesn't even trust me and is seriously messed up. And, for my own well-being. I have to walk away emotionally. This is the same guy that I have been in love with for over a year. I now have to let him live his life and move on. I don't even know how to move on!

I have no clue what's going to happen. Nothing's a constant in my life. I just have to remember that God is faithful. That's the only constant that exists. God knows, God cares, God listens, and God provides. There is so much uncertainty in my life and it scares me. I'm scared of moving away from what I've become so comfortable in. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of putting myself out there. I'm completely afraid of what next semester will hold.

And, can I just say. As someone who's never been on a date... I'm scared of going on a date!

trouble. losing control.

i love imogen heap.

she has this one song called The Walk. i always thought it described my relationship with my friend very well. but, as of late, it describes it better than i could have ever imagined. so, thank you imogen heap, i can now listen to a song about my life.

"stop that now, you're as close as it gets without touching me. oh no don't make it harder than it already is. oh i feel a weakness coming on."

autumn.

What is it about Fall and love? Seriously. Does everyone have to fall in love all at the same time?! Makes us singles very very sick to our stomachs. I'd just like a date with someone, someone random.

I envy these girls who have awesome bad date stories that they can laugh about and bring up with their girlfriends over a cup of coffee.

My best friend, Lauren recently ran off to Portland for a romantic weekend with her soon-to-be fiancee. I can't believe I'm actually going to be in a wedding in the near future. Love letters. Vintage Engagement Rings. The ohso romantic idea of moving across the country for the one you love. I just think it's something about the air. It's cold, so are we.

Maybe we just need a warm body to keep us safe from the cold winds and when Spring comes around... we drop their ass. Well... that's what seems to happen. Ick. I'll take my singleness, it would just be a lot more fun to date, not date for any seriousness, but just to have great great great stories to write here.