ignorance.

I think it's so amazing how we can't even begin to understand what's going on in our lives. So, I've kind of stopped trying. I've stopped trying to understand things, trying to make them happen. Life is so mysterious. It's full of random walls and sharp turns everywhere. I think that it's so hard to not become a cynic after a few years of the real world. (Not saying college is the real world, it's just the realest I've gotten)

I have come to realize that I know nothing about love. I only have these sick, little girl fantasies that involve being swept off of my feet. Will that happen? I'm not sure. Part of me wants to hold on to that, part of me wants to just not care about it at all. But, how do you do that when it surrounds you everyday? My bestfriend/roommate is getting married to a man who is head over heels in love with her. She has the real life fairytale story going on. I have only short-lived nightmares.

Who would have thought that Chris and I would have ever gotten where we were and then taken such a sick fall to the bottom. It seriously took seconds. Now, I have a friend who doesn't even trust me and is seriously messed up. And, for my own well-being. I have to walk away emotionally. This is the same guy that I have been in love with for over a year. I now have to let him live his life and move on. I don't even know how to move on!

I have no clue what's going to happen. Nothing's a constant in my life. I just have to remember that God is faithful. That's the only constant that exists. God knows, God cares, God listens, and God provides. There is so much uncertainty in my life and it scares me. I'm scared of moving away from what I've become so comfortable in. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of putting myself out there. I'm completely afraid of what next semester will hold.

And, can I just say. As someone who's never been on a date... I'm scared of going on a date!