lead me to the rock that is higher than I

I was reading "Searching For God Knows What" last night (great read, I highly recommend it) and I read a quote that Donald Miller found in a poem by Maya Angelou. It slapped me right across the face. I'll be honest, I've never been much of a Maya Angelou fan, but I see the wisdom that comes from this one line, this one section of all of her work, and I know that she's a blessed woman:

"But today, the Rock cries out to us,
clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny!"

First of all, I get this visual when I read this. I see me. I see me walking in a forest. I am just aimlessly walking, kind of feeling my way around, making decisions about where to go based on the limited vision that I have. I'm lost. I have a general idea of where home is... it's just so far away. I know that I can't find my way out unless I stand on something to help me out. I try these smaller rocks, and they help me a little bit. Some show me just a little bit of what I need to see. Some would have me go in the opposite direction that I know leads to home. Some don't help me at all, but are really slippery and I go crashing to the ground, bloody and bruised. I am completely helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

Then, I see this giant rock. It's calling to me. I can almost hear the still, small voice in the wind. "Julie," it whispers and shouts at the same time, "come, you may stand on my back and face your distant destiny." Scared, but knowing I need to know which way to go, I begin my ascent to the peak. The peak where I will know where home is, where my destiny is to be fulfilled. It's going to take a long time to get there. It may be a lifetime of slips (never complete falls, though), level areas, false hopes of finally reaching the top, and the encouragement of the breeze that shows up just when I need it.

This is life. Life can only be lived when we are on the Rock. Only then will we really see the true potential we were created for. Only then will we be content, only then will we be fulfilled.

I'm sorry, some of you have been my rocks that I've stood on. Some of you may have unintentionally misdirected me. I'm sorry if I was your rock too.

"I'm a Doubting Thomas, I'll take your promise,
though I know nothing's safe.
Oh me of little faith."

Doubting Thomas- Nickel Creek

Nothing's Safe.

ignorance.

I think it's so amazing how we can't even begin to understand what's going on in our lives. So, I've kind of stopped trying. I've stopped trying to understand things, trying to make them happen. Life is so mysterious. It's full of random walls and sharp turns everywhere. I think that it's so hard to not become a cynic after a few years of the real world. (Not saying college is the real world, it's just the realest I've gotten)

I have come to realize that I know nothing about love. I only have these sick, little girl fantasies that involve being swept off of my feet. Will that happen? I'm not sure. Part of me wants to hold on to that, part of me wants to just not care about it at all. But, how do you do that when it surrounds you everyday? My bestfriend/roommate is getting married to a man who is head over heels in love with her. She has the real life fairytale story going on. I have only short-lived nightmares.

Who would have thought that Chris and I would have ever gotten where we were and then taken such a sick fall to the bottom. It seriously took seconds. Now, I have a friend who doesn't even trust me and is seriously messed up. And, for my own well-being. I have to walk away emotionally. This is the same guy that I have been in love with for over a year. I now have to let him live his life and move on. I don't even know how to move on!

I have no clue what's going to happen. Nothing's a constant in my life. I just have to remember that God is faithful. That's the only constant that exists. God knows, God cares, God listens, and God provides. There is so much uncertainty in my life and it scares me. I'm scared of moving away from what I've become so comfortable in. I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of putting myself out there. I'm completely afraid of what next semester will hold.

And, can I just say. As someone who's never been on a date... I'm scared of going on a date!